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The Wax Affair: Heads Up Down Below (#TBT)

For as many seeking the best way to get rid of hair on the undersides (*giggle*she said "undersides") and wonder what a wax feels like, wonder no more! I am here to share my experience. For almost 12 months now, I have been trying to convince two of my friends to get a wax and abandon the pungent smell of hair-removal cream and the 'in-growth fairy god-mother'; the shaving stick. Every time, I mention it, their eyes get this distrustful glazed look, a glare echoing reminiscence (i wonder why). Anyway, I dedicate this post to them.

 I have gotten a wax done three times and I do not know which time was the most painful. It's already public knowledge that I don't do pain. Each time, I have had to constantly remind myself that I am a grown woman and I would have to exercise some self-control during the process....these reminders, all, of course, die once we start.

Ok, It's not fair that I make it sound horrendous and frighten any virgin-waxers and my friends but it is horrendous.  The result, on the other hand is excellent. It's like eyebrow-threading. At the end, you look like a lawnmower ran over your face and left identical red highlights on your brow bones but that's ok, because you look excellently groomed and sharp, same down there with the wax! [Note: I convinced these same friends to get their brows threaded for the first time, hence, the deep distrust they have for me. hehe]. Get your wax on guys, let bygones be bygones! Muhaha. 

First, I wouldn't recommend trying this on yourself unless of course you are trained to. I once tried waxing myself in the privacy of my own bathroom. That day, I trotted to the store, bought a home kit, locked myself in the bathroom and began with my underarms. Summary: disaster, I had to walk akimbo for 3 days. LOL!I'd recommend going to a specialist. They are trained to do this. Plus they have the bird's view and are able to reach areas you can't.

Bullet points on how it went down and what to expect....

  •  You follow the esthetician into a quaint, clean ( if otherwise, you are toast) room with a bench and table of equipment (ointment, wax heater, application sticks which remind me of ice-cream)
  •  Happy-faced esthetician (always happy faced) briefs you on the procedure. Asks you to strip your bottoms and lie down on the bench while she exits the room and probably stabs herself with a happy drug that helps her deal with your bushy genitals
  •  Smiling esthetician returns (always too early but knocks first thankfully)
  •  She folds back the towel you have covered your lower region with (which you hope she'd just leave in place and magically do her job, while never having to acquaint herself with your "privies")
  •  She lathers on warm, o, wonderfully warm wax and starts a conversation. You think to yourself, "This isn't so bad, what's that pagesbyike on about. Pain spain.....
  • ....And then krrrrrrrrrrrchhh! Lights go off in your head like New year's eve. It's like a brain freeze plus a brain explosion. It's like an explosion in the Artic          
  • Then you let out this high pitched squeal-laugh caused by shock, pain and unpreparedness 
  •  At this point you will be able to know if this is for you or not. Some people leave at this point (The Lord knows there have been times I almost jumped off the bench half shaven and still willing to pay the full price. Heck, I could have paid extra if  she would just leave me alone). Thankfully they don't start down the middle and leave you with a Nigerian flag situation down there. So you can leave at this point
  •  If you stay after the first friend, we should meet. Chances are that you may be tough enough to outlast the Apocalypse and I want to be on your team
  •  Then comes the next warm wax lather and strip , it's no better than the first. You'd think the pain dips or plateaus but no....
  • More conversation...Some praise from the esthetician (if she sees tears collect at the corner of your eyes)
  • Approximately 8 "krrrrrrrchs" are almost done. 
  • Then the butt wax. There's no dignified way to get this humble yourself and remember that P.diddy dyes his pubes for whatever reason, which we will never know and never want to know. Dyed pubes. That always makes me feel better. I don't know why. Hope restored.

Everything I just said aside, it's really not that bad. Think of it as "ripping off the band-aid several times". If I, the queen of Nopainville, can, so can you! Go for it! It does a great job, gets you all groomed and tidy. Watch some Youtube videos. This one really helped me. This one is just plain entertaining. LOL

Allergies must be reported to the esthetician and yes, pop a painkiller some minutes before going in. When you are done, you get a free lollipop. Not!

Happy waxing!

What's your least favorite fashion ritual? 

This post was originally published on our old space; feisty phi.

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