My name is Ike. I am a writer. I drink way too much herbal tea and believe in the power of kindness, love and a good book.

I blog about Relationships, God and Style!

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Myth Buster: Marriage = Oatmeal sex

For some odd reason, marriage is known for the most awful things. Stuff like: conservative social gatherings, eating broiled fish for dinner, mandatory bonding with other married couples, life-altering kids, terrorist-like in-laws, the car of no one's dreams: a minivan (and if you are lucky the doors slide open with a button), purchases of granny-panties, endless arguments with this "cranky" person who is perpetually in your face. Let's take that from the top, so marriage has earned a reputation of rewarding you with a boring person who you go to boring events with, in a boring minivan, where you meet other boring couples, who like broiled fish too. Back home, you have to then muster up some energy to behold them granny panties and have oatmeal sex;  gray, bland, lumpy, boring sex and then fall into a dreamless sleep where you subconsciously struggle for the covers.

Marriage is NOTHING like this! Well, that's not entirely true. Marriage can be every bit of this, if it goes unattended and is allowed to drift. Really, it is what you make of it. You hold all the cards in determining what it's going to be. For example, the "granny-pannies", just don't buy them. Walk on by. Do fun stuff and find a wing-couple to do them with. If your partner is cranky, it's probably hormones, money, work-stress, sexlessness or some deeper issue you have to find out and deal with. Kids are fun......when they are asleep, i'm kidding. They are pretty cool and they give you an excuse to sit on playground swings and what not. I had so much fun on a see-saw sometime ago with a 2 year-old, then we counter-bullied a bully! We didn't actually do any bullying, i just stood next to her and he disappeared. As for the broiled fish and the minivan, i can't find any words of encouragement. Lol!

Now the sex. I would like to say these allegations against marital sex are all wrong. The sex, like marriage, is whatever you make of it. Sadly, media has fed us a lot of falsehood and now we have this misconception that marriage-sex is synonymous with insipid bumps. I disagree and if you do too, feel free to share below!
It's true that marriage is usually made up of two individuals who are in pursuit, hot or not, of something that adds to their accolades; a promotion, a job, kids, a manicure appointment, Kim K's life. Whatever it is, people are preoccupied chasing all sorts of stuff. So they only ever have sex at night (because, of course, they were at work all day), after their favorite show (because favorite show is before sex on the sex-schedule), in the dark (not sure the reason for this), in the missionary position (because she really really really is tired and he feels obliged to take the position because that's what married men do!), on the bed (because that's where married people have sex). And no one is judging, right? This is a safe space but sometimes our sex lives require a bit of tweaking, aye?

7 bullet points to Jollof Rice Sex (with some barbecue ribs and plantain on the side)

  • Make sex a priority. Toss the sex schedule. Better yet populate the schedule a bit more. Saturday and Sunday mornings are available. 
  • Switch up the positions! There are several apps in the Apple store, Blackberry world and Google play. Thank me later. 
  • Don't get lazy with the kegels now! Here's a link to check out how to do it right. (Psst! Men, kegels can improve sexual performance! Link for you too.)
  •  Lights on, drapes up or down! Preferably down. The day I saw my neighbors will never leave my head...*shivers* .The lights help visual stimulation and helps to highlight all flabs, handles and tuft. Which is good because that drives you right to the gym and to the wax table. 
  • Underwear. I'm beginning to sound like a broken record. Buy some. 
  • Ask and find out what the other person likes. 
  • Not everytime the bed. Try the minivan. Enough said.

By the way, I love oatmeal. Love. Love. Love.  Read its benefits here

Hark, all!

Daddy Issues