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My name is Ike. I am a writer. I drink way too much herbal tea and believe in the power of kindness, love and a good book.

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4 Hilarious Things my Mum Taught Me

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I love my mum and if you knew her, you'd love her too. For decades now, all we who know her have tried to understand the way her mind works but we can't. We've given up on the extent of its complexity. However, I do attribute my sense of humor to her. Here are 4 things she taught me while I was growing up that crack me up whenever I think about them: 

"Eye Kinesis"

From an early age like most African kids, I learnt the art of "eye kinesics", which is the communication of thoughts and feelings through a system of arbitrary signals mainly through the pupils and eyelids and the eyes in general. This usually took place when other people were around and I was being naughty and mum couldn't vocalize her thoughts.

I'd look at her and surely there would be a message there; whether I was trying to accept a gift I knew I shouldn't be accepting or eyeing the guest's Fanta (Fanta is my weakness), or pestering her about wanting to go to my friend's house in front of guests (who ever used this trick?)

Anyway,  she would dish me some eye-kinesis. 

It was always like those old Asian movies, where the camera zooms in suddenly on the master as he stares directly into the camera with an accompanying smacking sound, then a sudden close-up at the student with a random-"hmmph!" sound. Lol

Mom miyagi-ed me into understanding that it was possible to understand another individual without speaking!

It's remarkable that mum would look at me and I would understand instantly exactly what she meant. I could even hear her voice in my head. Even more awesome, flashes of the things to come, a glimpse into the future if I disobeyed her signal; smacks evermore.

 

Boob Heads-up

"If you let a boy kiss you, he WILL feel you up."

Mum taught me this at about 14.

Mama taught me that if you let a boy kiss you....he will reach for your girlies. By girlies, I mean your breasts. I always cringed at her bluntness but she was right. Indeed, it seems this is how the masculine mind works: lips connect....right hand/left hand activated (or both, God help you).....up,up, land on boob tarmac.....pause.....wait for resistance or slap.....none....feel 'em up! Mum is hardly wrong, yo!

But how did she know? Hmmmm

 

Intelligence Gathering

Mum taught me that if I want to get information from my spouse or child, 5AM it is!

5 AM, mum is sitting next to me on my bed and talking. Then she begins to ask specific questions to obtain the information.

"So, what is that boy's name? The one that called you? What does he do? " "Doesn't he have anything to do during the day, other than to be calling you all the time", "Don't let him touch you o.........or has he kissed you?", "You know if you let him kiss you........."

Then I begin to confess like a witch. Lol! The best time to collect intelligence is between the hours of 5 and 6. It's amazing, this skill, of course there is a method to it. You disarm all crankiness by praying softly for your subject at first. Once they are disarmed, softly ask away.

CIA, you guys should employ her. Her skill would be an irreplaceable asset.

 

"Chill baby girl"

Mum has taught me to chill. Not everytime work, cook, clean, scrub, drive. Sometimes, chill. One of the things that baffle her is the marked difference between the aging process of couples. Men don't get old fast, women do, she says that all the time in Yoruba, "Okunrin o kin gbo o." Truly, I've noticed that women do look older than men as they grow older. She's of the opinion that looking older than your husband at any given time is a No-No! So hire someone to do these things on occasion and chill baby girl. Chill.

 

What fun things have you learnt from your mum ?

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