My name is Ike. I am a writer. I drink way too much herbal tea and believe in the power of kindness, love and a good book.

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A Tale of Outsourced Sex

Everyone knows that awkward Sarah-Ab-Hagar triangle, right? Not your typical everyday story; Sarah and Ab are trying to have a kid, God says 'Chill guys, I got you.' Sarah really really wants a kid but more for Ab than herself.  At a certain point, she doesn't even care if this kid comes from her or not, so she sends Abraham and Hagar (her maid/ housegeh) away for the weekend; personally buys Hagar's lingerie, packs a hamper full of dark chocolate, some red, some juicy pomegranates and pays for their stay at Funky Oasis Adults Only resort. There was no way the girl was returning without at least one fertilized egg. 

For a long time, I thought that was a selfless act; Sarah: the most selfless, giving wife that ever will be (because ain't no other girl in this day and age would doing any of that)

Sarah of life!

Even before Accenture ever dreamt of developing optimization frameworks for operational and infrastructural efficiency and outsourcing.....Sarah was already right there, outsourcing the heck out of her duties, optimizing and renting out certain infrastructure.

Of course, she later came to regret it, as would any woman, who outsources her role as wife, lover and custodian of the South-End wonderland of her husband. Not only did Hagar return with a fertilized egg, she also returned with an attitude, which in my opinion was all Sarah's doing. You just don't outsource a man's junk like that, girl! Not for any reason!  

Of course, we all think this doesn't happen any more in this century. That was 1872 B.C.E, this is 2016! No woman is going to tell her husband to sleep with the maid; no woman outsources. Those were my thoughts too. Then two weeks back as I poured my cake batter into the baking pan, a thought dropped straight into my mind: We still outsource our husband's needs! It's subtle and Hagar-less but we still do; all the things we get frustrated dealing with, or stuff we've taken for granted, like talking about his detail, like putting down your phone and actually relating with him, like not bringing work home, like not developing the mystery headache...all these things really just create a void. A void willing to be filled by other people.

This is the truth, i'm not trying to sound like those bearded aunties who tell you "Ah. Someone will steal your husband of you don't "cooperate." I'm not, but maybe 'beardy' Aunty Ava does have a point. 

Take Vashti for example, she did not "cooperate" and guess who came along with advanced submission and respect-your-bae skills printed all over her CV? Esther!  

Be his best friend, his priestess, his helpmate, the source of his wise counsel, his naughty lil' thing! They aren't duties or obligations, they are your rights and they really are part of who you were destined to be since the beginning of the world.  




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